Controlling other side's use of children as messengers, spies and reporters in Divorce and Custody cases
A common complaint by parties in a divorce case involving children, or any other type of decision-making (custody) or parenting-time dispute, is something like, "She's saying bad things about me to the children." Sincere, caring parents REALLY want to reduce the stress on their children that is caused when they hear derogatory comments being made about one parent, by the other parent (or other adults on that side of the case.)
First of all, I do not focus on changing the behavior of the out-of-control or undisciplined parent on the other side. That is a hopeless quest, if taken by itself.
Let's face it. The other parent is probably going to interrogate the children after each parenting-time session with the other parent. Probably going to expect a report or recap of what was said and done when the children were with the other parent, sometimes down to what was served at meals, what TV shows were watched, who was present in the house, how everyone (including mom's new boyfriend) behaved, whether the dog was menacing, and probably going to ask the kids to explain why they did not immediately answer their personal smartphones, or respond immediately to texts, when the absent parent tried to check on them.
Instead of trying to change the other side's communication with the children, I work it from our side: When with the children, my client can act as if the other parent does not exist. That seems counterintuitive, with all the talk of 'co-parenting' and the need for communications between the parents. That's my point exactly -- it should be communication between the parents, not communication to the other parent through the children. If a parent's got something to say, let him or her write an email or text directly to the other parent -- sparing the children the stress of having to be the 'child soldiers' or 'pack mules' for informing, demanding, questioning, negotiating or generally communicating big and little things to the other parent.
So, a common technique that I employ is to advise my client to stop the children from bringing information to them about 'the other side of the fence,' the other parent's world. Just by interrupting the child in the middle of the sentence, like this:
Child: Daddy?
Dad: What is it, honey?
Child: Mommy says...
Dad: (abruptly) We don't talk about that.
Child: But Daddy, this Friday Mommy....
Dad:(talking over the child) Honey, we don't talk about that. I'll talk with Mommy.
Child: (relieved) OK.
You see? The child had a message from the mother, that she had been tasked with delivering to the father. But the child does NOT want to be the bearer of messages -- Not At All. The father, by abruptly and firming stopping the child from performing the message delivery, did the child a service. The goal is to take children out of the conflict and the communication channel between the parents, take the children out of the role of spy, messenger or reporter -- and to restore their innocent childhood as much as possible.
Now, you will hear well-educated people, including therapists, say that children should be allowed to speak freely with a parent about anything. These people have not fully thought through the consequences of this in a custody- or parenting-time dispute, though. The undisciplined parent who allows information to pass through their child's head, either by allowing or encouraging updates and reports of life on 'the other side of the fence,' or sending pointed questions or even everyday messages through the child to the other parent, is not really thinking about the stressful impact of this on the child, and how it essentially robs a child of his or her childhood.
If no one's ever talked like this with you, and you'd like to see a fuller picture or possible options and strategies for your particular case, please give me call.
- Kevin Johnson
www.divorce.nu
312-493-4241
First of all, I do not focus on changing the behavior of the out-of-control or undisciplined parent on the other side. That is a hopeless quest, if taken by itself.
Let's face it. The other parent is probably going to interrogate the children after each parenting-time session with the other parent. Probably going to expect a report or recap of what was said and done when the children were with the other parent, sometimes down to what was served at meals, what TV shows were watched, who was present in the house, how everyone (including mom's new boyfriend) behaved, whether the dog was menacing, and probably going to ask the kids to explain why they did not immediately answer their personal smartphones, or respond immediately to texts, when the absent parent tried to check on them.
Instead of trying to change the other side's communication with the children, I work it from our side: When with the children, my client can act as if the other parent does not exist. That seems counterintuitive, with all the talk of 'co-parenting' and the need for communications between the parents. That's my point exactly -- it should be communication between the parents, not communication to the other parent through the children. If a parent's got something to say, let him or her write an email or text directly to the other parent -- sparing the children the stress of having to be the 'child soldiers' or 'pack mules' for informing, demanding, questioning, negotiating or generally communicating big and little things to the other parent.
So, a common technique that I employ is to advise my client to stop the children from bringing information to them about 'the other side of the fence,' the other parent's world. Just by interrupting the child in the middle of the sentence, like this:
Child: Daddy?
Dad: What is it, honey?
Child: Mommy says...
Dad: (abruptly) We don't talk about that.
Child: But Daddy, this Friday Mommy....
Dad:(talking over the child) Honey, we don't talk about that. I'll talk with Mommy.
Child: (relieved) OK.
You see? The child had a message from the mother, that she had been tasked with delivering to the father. But the child does NOT want to be the bearer of messages -- Not At All. The father, by abruptly and firming stopping the child from performing the message delivery, did the child a service. The goal is to take children out of the conflict and the communication channel between the parents, take the children out of the role of spy, messenger or reporter -- and to restore their innocent childhood as much as possible.
Now, you will hear well-educated people, including therapists, say that children should be allowed to speak freely with a parent about anything. These people have not fully thought through the consequences of this in a custody- or parenting-time dispute, though. The undisciplined parent who allows information to pass through their child's head, either by allowing or encouraging updates and reports of life on 'the other side of the fence,' or sending pointed questions or even everyday messages through the child to the other parent, is not really thinking about the stressful impact of this on the child, and how it essentially robs a child of his or her childhood.
If no one's ever talked like this with you, and you'd like to see a fuller picture or possible options and strategies for your particular case, please give me call.
- Kevin Johnson
www.divorce.nu
312-493-4241
