The delicate 'stepparent' role in divorce and custody cases

If you are divorced, you are usually free to date, marry and have relationships with other people.  But, if you have children of your former marriage or relationship, you must be careful how you bring a new love interest into your life.

As a Chicago divorce and custody attorney, I often deal with the results of careless behavior by well-meaning parents.  For example, a new 'girlfriend,' a new 'boyfriend,' or another adult brought into the household to be around the children.  My advice:  When dating, don't even expose the children to the new person for several months.  It's a mistake to bring the person home, introduce them to the children, and then have a new person in a month or two after you break up.  It cheapens relationships and commitment in the eyes of a child.  I call it 'invisible dating.'

If you're going to bring home a new pet, you don't then dispose of that pet two months later after the children have formed an attachment to it.  In the same way, when you introduce a new person on the first date, or in the first few months, you might be setting up the same situation -- they get to know your children, sleep overnight with you a few times, wake up and have breakfast together with you and the children -- only to vanish completely when your relationship hits a snag and you break up.   Better to date when you don't have the children with you, and not to discuss your dates around the children at all.  Make sure you're really on track for a lifelong relationship with the new person before revealing their existence to the children.

More important than the attachment/vanishing problem is the problem of how/when/if to discipline the children.  The lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, new husband or new wife -- whoever you bring into your household to be around your children day-to-day, has got to know that you are the one to discipline the children.  Only you.  That means timeouts, withdrawal of privileges -- any discipline that would normally be appropriate to address a child's behavior -- must be administered by you, and not by your new 'significant other.'  "But what about respect?" you might say.  "What if the children treat my new husband badly, or don't listen to him?"

This is not an easy situation, but there can be very-serious complications from another adult using any form of discipline on your children.  I have seen it lead to false charges of abuse, when the the other parent hears an enhanced or distorted version of events from the children.  The stories can be distorted, exaggerated and start to sound like the adult is causing harm and abusing the children.   The result can be a 'Petition for Order of Protection,' calls to DCFS, court filings and general upheaval in your life!

I would welcome the opportunity to discuss your situation, while you still have freedom of action.  My cell number is 312-493-4241, 7 days/week and after hours.

- Kevin Johnson

www.divorce.nu

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