Chicago Divorce Attorney - recognizing the 'co-opting' tactic

When a parent is being deprived of contact or communication with a child, the cut-off parent's relatives and friends are often a source of emotional (and sometimes financial) support.  They cheer on the cut-off parent as he or she battles in court, seeking to protect the child's future.  However, sometimes an alienating parent will employ the tactic of 'co-opting' -- making a secret, side deal with one or more key supporters of the cut-off parent, to have secret visits with the child, with the condition that the cut-off parent not be told about this secret arrangement.   

That secret?  That the supporter is now being freely given the very thing the cut-off parent is hungering for -- visits and communication with the child!  The result is that the supporter suddenly loses all energy for the fight.  They either retreat into the background or become actively hostile to the cut-off parent. 

The cut-off parent is now faced with a sudden, unbelievable and unexplained turn of events -- one of his or her key supporters has withdrawn all emotional and financial support, and quite possibly starts encouraging the cut-off parent to go easy on the other parent, or to give up the fight entirely.

This co-opting draws that supporter (a close family member or friend) into the alienating parent's web, by offering some contact with the children, and it also creates a rift between the supporter and the cut-off parent -- because there is now a terrible, unspeakable secret between the cut-off parent and that supporter.
co-opt  (kō-ŏpt, kōŏpt′)

tr.v. co-opt·ed, co-opt·ing, co-opts
1. To elect as a fellow member of a group.
2. To appoint summarily.
3. To take or assume for one's own use; appropriate: co-opted the criticism by embracing it.
4. To neutralize or win over (an independent minority, for example) through assimilation into an established group or culture: co-opt rebels by giving them positions of authority.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition copyright ©2011 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.


 If you are in a battle for your children's lives and future, and you would like a first or second opinion about your legal position and about your options, please give me a call at 312-493-4241.   - Kevin Johnson


Popular posts from this blog

Carefully Reviewing and Writing Divorce, Custody and Visitation Orders

I was recently reminded (again) how important the wording of a final 'judgment' or 'agreed order' can be.  When two parties are in the midst of negotiations, attempting to resolve a divorce or custody case, it can be tempting to finesse the final wording of an agreement to make the case end.  This is a time to be very careful!  Sometimes the wording of a parenting agreement or a financial settlement can be ambiguous - that is, each side thinks the paragraph, sentence or phrase means something different.  Before signing any agreement, it is good to read, and re-read it, carefully to think of how it might be understood differently in the future.
Read more

Divorce, custody, attorneys, and psychological warfare countermeasures

psychological warfare n. The use of various techniques, such as propaganda and terror, to lower an enemy's morale. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by  Houghton Mifflin Company . All rights reserved. --------------------------------------------- In my work in divorce and custody cases, I often represent and counsel people who are the victims of 'psychological warfare' tactics.  These tactics are used by opposing parties to break their opponents will or resistance -- in other words, to "take the fight out of them."   Some tactics include ingratiating or co-opting relatives or friends, giving the other person false or misleading advice, getting the person to distrust his or her own attorney, causing severe financial distress and hardship, and otherwise making the person's life miserable and nearly unbearable.  These tactics often cause
Read more

Defend against psychological warfare - a Custody and Divorce Attorney's Perspective

Image
Do you feel that you're living a nightmare?  A custody or parenting-time battle is  a nightmare, and it's very difficult to break free of the mind-numbing, soul-draining struggle, to feel that you can breath some fresh air. There is hope, though.  I sometimes say that the 'toolbox' that people use against each other in custody and divorce cases is a very-small one.  These self-taught practitioners of the 'dark arts' of psychological warfare use just the top tray in the toolbox -- a limited number of tactics, used over and over (and over.)  A few examples: (Bad) Ask the children where they want to live, or with whom they'd like to spend time, (Bad) Have the children communicate or negotiate scheduling changes with the other parent, (Bad) Ask the children what they and other the parent are doing during parenting time,  (Bad) "Listen" to the children talk about their time with the other parent, or (Bad) Schedule activities onto the other parent&
Read more